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go. subsribe. itz time for me to start my life over.

Currently Playing In Love & Death By Used - I'm A Fake see related

yesterday i went shopping with katie. left around 11 it was fun...i got 3 new shirts from pac sun and some perfume from there too, and a pair of jeans from hollister...saw dayton there...i also got the 'my chemical romance' cd it is effing amazing...went to hot topic and got a green day shirt. left at around 230 or 3...on our way out we saw josh in the food court. went to KFC, got food, and came back...and right away went back out with sarah to the stores around giant...fashion bug and the book store and blockbuster...ha i almost got run over cuz i didnt see a car coming...and then at fashion bug i tried to push open the door when you had to pull...i got napolean dynomite at blockbuster...it was the LAST ONE THERE...yes. watched it with katie and my bro. best movie ever.

the rest of this post is going to be very random. it is going to be a rush of emotions i am feeling right now, so if a lot of it doesnt make sense, or if i repeat myself...it is because i am crying and cant think straight.

today i woke up at like 9. i work from 430 - 915. itz gunna suck...i jus wanna sit at home and do nothing. i think...i am honestly more insecure now, more than ever before. and even worse than that...im scared. im scared of what is going to happen. im scared that this is going to jus keep happening to me. im scared, because whenever i am finally happy, and everything is going well for me...something happens, without fail. something happens to bring me down again, and each time it jus gets worse. i feel like i am experiencing my worst fear...lonliness. i miss him. i want someone to love me. all my friends are having problems of their own, so they are caught up in them, and since im so damn sensitive, i want to try to help them. but every time i do, it jus makes things worse for me. but it kills me to see my friends depressed. but then it kills me to be depressed myself. im jus soo lost. i wish none of this wouldve happened. i wish i could jus start everything over again. i jus want to be happy, and not have the constant paranoia of something bad happening.

im soo fucking confused...im tired of people saying i am too unsure of myself. im tired of people saying i am stupid. im tired of not being in control. im tired of being scared. im tired of crying. im tired of everything. im tired of having everything i live for...be a lie. every single relationship i was in, or tried to start, turns out crappy. every single one, some part of truth has been hidden from me. and i hate it. i hate feeling this way. i want to jus start everything over. i want to have a normal life. people tell me all the time that everyone goes thru this...but no. not everybody goes thru every thing i have gone thru in the past 2 years of my life. not everyone has an abusive first boyfriend. what a crappy way to start out my relationships. not everyone goes thru 8 straight months of constant day to day harrassment at school. not everybody deals with memories every single fucking day of their life. im not everybody. and everybody is not me. i dont need sympathy. what i need is help. i need advice. and until i get that...this is how im going to be. so could someone...anyone...stop being jus sympathetic...and please help me??

Currently Playing The Chronicles of Life & Death (Death Art Version) By Good Charlotte - Predictable see related

edit// honestly...if you are going to come to my xanga...and if you think i am retarded...and you bother to waste your time and comment on my entry about it...and decide to add in your comment how you want to kill me...you are one fucked up person.

PICS FROM CHRISTMAS: click here

yesterday i worked from 11 - 745...it was pretty good actually. like...it started out bad, cuz i went in and like had a panic attack and was jus sitting in the back room for like 45 min...but then i saw some of my friends and talked to them, bill was actually there so i talked to him some...aww he gave me this mug thinger with m&ms in it...for lunch i actually stayed at SKH...hung out with this girl lori, got some hot food bar crap that really did taste like crap...met this kid steve, he was pretty cool. talked to him some...then i had to package fortune cookies...for 3 hours. ugh...i swear. i will never look at fortune cookies the same way. it was soo boring. anywayz...came home at around 715 or so...didnt really do much the rest of the nite. made the new banner at the top of this page.

then today i woke up at like 1015 or so...played some of the 2nd paper mario...itz pretty cool. thatz about all ive done today. im going shopping tomorrow with my bros girlfriend, katie. so thatll be fun.

but in other news...i really miss feeling loved...i think i can officially say...i miss him. i really do. i miss talking to him...and being with him...and everything. i know you are gunna say that i need to jus move on, and i know i do, but itz soo hard for me because this has happened to me soo many times...i need someone to help me move on...i wish i didnt fall in love soo fast...i wish i could control my emotions...but i jus want someone to love. and i need someone to love me back. i hate having panic attacks, i try to control them, but everything is soo much harder for me...i jus dont know what to do anymore, whenever things seem to be going well, nothing is ever completely alright...there alwayz has to be one thing that is wrong...

i wish i could jus turn back time...i want to start everything over again. i want to stop feeling like every thing i do...jus screws everything up. i feel like i, myself, am a screwup. i want to stop crying, i am soo sick of crying...i hate how i feel like itz all my fault. im tired of feeling like there is alwayz a part of me missing. a part of me that was taken from me. that i have been working soo hard for soo long to gain back. i want that part of me back. i jus want someone to love me...

ive been waiting...ive been searching...ive been hoping...

                                                     ive been dreaming you would come back
               but I know the ending of this story

                                             youre never coming back

                                                                                          never...

Currently Playing In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3 By Coheed & Cambria - A Favor House Atlantic see related

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! and happy hanukkah (i hope i spelled that right) to erica...even tho itz like over now.

hmmmm...yesterday...slept till like...930? 10? oh well didnt really do much all day...but omg...my LPU 4.0 package came...JUS IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!! i was soo happy...cuz it came with a new cd, t-shirt, some stickers, a pin, wristband, and pics...and then since i was one of the first like 100 people to sign up for the new version i got a record with 6 diff versions of numb/encore on it...well 5 versions, and then an extra bonus beat track...but itz soo cool. and whats even cooler is that my bro jus got a record player this past sunday, so i can actually listen to it

i went into work at 1245 and it was effing PACKED...and i mean lines back to produce like 7 people in each line...my gosh. anywayz...worked till about 530, wasnt too bad...cept for the crazy longass lines, i saw brandon for a brief moment and got to say merry christmas...some guy came thru my line at around 510 and spased for about 5 min about how expensive some thing of stuffing was...that was entertaining to watch him jump all around looking all worried and upset. and then he bought the crap anywayz. oh well. came home and went back out about 45 min later to church. was nice, since i barely get to go anymore cuz of work. came home and watched austin powers: goldmember with my mom and bro, went to bed.

then today i was the last one up haha...got up at around 845. opened presents...my gosh. my parents got me 2 cds...'lifehouse - no name face', and 'taking back sunday - where you want to be'. they also got me the yellowcard dvd, live at the electric factory and harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban. hmmm...candy...$50...some shirts, they gave me one sweatshirt that says 'they say i have ADD but they just dont understand. hey look, a chicken!' mwahahaha i <3 it. my bro got me the new cd, 'green day - american idiot'...my aunt got me some jewelry...my grandpa sent a $50 check...and that was that. got a shower and watched the best christmas movie ever...a christmas story.

went in to my grandmas...was fun. opened stuff there, my aunt and uncle and cousins got me the cd, earshot - letting go, then came the stuff from my grandma...wow. lots and lots of candy...$25 gift card for pac sun, some hollister perfume, 2 cds...'coheed and cambria - in keeping secrets of silent earth: 3'...and 'goo goo dolls - dizzy up the girl', but the goo goo dolls one didnt get here yet, itz on back order. got 2 rings, and a bunch of other crap i cant remember all of it right now...jus...lots of candy. haha...and my uncle bill gave me a $50 gift card to pac sun. and my grandma said she was gunna give me some spending money, but she hasnt yet, so im guessing ill jus get that tomorrow. oh, and i won a total of $12 in 2 lottery ticketswe watched a christmas story again...or at least part of it...played some video game where you have to like clap and hit these drum thingers to the beat of the music...i was pretty good at that...and then there was this ice pack thinger upstairs that i had on my hands cuz i had been playing that game for a while and it was starting to hurt my hands from clapping soo much (it starts to get to you...believe me)...and well...it decided to jus leak...all over me...and it looked like i had pissed myself. so that jus kinda sucked, i had to stick my pants in the dryer. i hate ice packs. oh well...

i work tomorrow from 11 - 745. then me and my dad are going shopping i think on...tuesday. so thatll be fun. ill blow all my money i got. ill have pics from today...next time.

Currently Playing Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge By My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay (I Promise) see related

"im not okay...well im not okay...im not oh-fucking-kay"

again, sorry for the crappy quality song. omg i want this cd sooo bad tho...haha anywayz, so yesterday and today were pretty fun. yesterday in english me and dana finished our project...listened to the beatles on www.cdzlimited.net then in history we had a test...it was...ok. in chem we had a review game for our test today...it was soo great. miss griffiths made a jeapordy game...my team wonand she made it so it said the host was her...hehehe...then in art i jus sat out in the hall with brian and josh and drew some. this girl steph got some flowers and i wanted one but she wouldnt give me one so dana made a flower out of clay for me, and josh drew one for me. didnt really do much else...

then today was the last day before break. in gym we had a substitute...it was great. we took a quick like 10 minute quiz/test on pickelball...and then she was like "alright you can either play pickelball...or...jus do something else. i wont say anything if you dont" mwahahaha...so me and sarah played some hardcore mickelball and pickelball. it was fun. i gave her the present i got for her (she had picked it out) and she gave me these happy bunny socks that say 'i hate everything' on them. i love them. no wait...i hate them. since i hate everything 0_0 anywayz...then in english we had a vocab quiz and then played psychiatrist. it was fun. gave dana her poster that she wanted, and she gave me a good charlotte poster that i had picked out and some cookies she made. then in history we watched some video. textiles me and lucy and aisha went over to visit mr cifuni, and he had dressed up as santa like he does every year. watched part of 'napolean dynomite' on the tv cuz it was on for broadcasting, till mr price took it off cuz they used the word 'pedafile' chem we had this humungo test, which like everyone thinks they failed...and yeah. it was like impossibly impossible. math i had another test, and then in art me and sen wandered the halls down by the auditorium some, and i gave her and josh and brian their presents.

got home and had to work from 445 - 930...wasnt bad at all. i was on register for about and hour, and then got to go and work in bakery for a bit. talked to brandon and two other people, did like 129278 trays of like cookies and pies...mostly pies. but it wasnt bad. i have to work again tomorrow tho...1245 - 530. and itz gunna be effing crazy. at least i can sleep in for once.

PICS FROM TODAY: click here